I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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