what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
