Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
