At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
