So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
