My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
