So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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