So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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