My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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