my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
