so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
