No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
