I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Less talking, more tequila
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
