just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
