dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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