Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
