All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
