Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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