i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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