If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
