dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
