Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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