Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
