I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
