Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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