I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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