I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
