I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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