I need to stop coming to work sober
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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