dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
