I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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