I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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