I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
