He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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