I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
