Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
