Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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