Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
