It's Friday. Sex?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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