gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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