You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
