I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
