Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
