Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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