You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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