Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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