John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
