was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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