Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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