I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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