i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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