i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
