i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
