Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
