I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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