It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
