is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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