I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
