well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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